And it's a consistent pattern of behavior, both within a single relationship and across multiple relationships. Merriam-Webster. Psychological factors such as personality and anxiety raise the risk for depression. This not only throws off your train of thought but causes you to question the need to press a matter when they don't feel the need to respond. More common forms of manipulation are about getting our own way "gaming the system" whereas gaslighting is about controlling another person. There are several ways to protect oneself from this form of abuse. The classic example of gaslighting is to switch something around on someone that you know they're sure to notice, but then deny knowing anything about it, and to explain that they "must be . Like with the pictures of the inauguration, and he's saying, "There were so many people there!" Gaslighting is a very subtle form of psychological abuse and manipulation which can destroy a victim's . A gaslighter will try to destroy your perception and the world you built for yourself. Being told that your behavior is dramatic, unreasonable, or overly emotional can pave the road to gaslighting as it may slowly make you question your behavior and ideas. Dealing With Gaslighting. And that's because you've been traumatized. Constant disapproval can be a subtle way gaslighters control their victims. The gaslighter may convince the target that . Gaslighting occurs very gradually over time, so the manipulative behavior's effects are not usually immediate. J Perinat Neonatal Nurs. Divorcing a narcissistic spouse is typically high-conflict and overwhelming so it's important to mentally and legally prepare. The gaslighter makes a victim feel anxious and doubtful about his or her own feelings, memories, and thoughts. "We also see gaslighting in family dynamics where the family manipulates a family member to doubt their own belief system or views on an unhealthysituation taking place in the family. Marriage and family are changing rapidly. They may also use gaslighting for your own behaviors, telling you that you said or did something you know you didn't. Gaslighting is all about keeping you on . Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. 1. How Schizophrenia Impacts Cognitive Function, New Research: Moderate Drinking Provides No Health Benefits, An Important Reality for Navigating Grief, Find a therapist who understands manipulative behavior, Games Master Manipulators Play: Gaslighting. Berkeley Science Review. They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or "crazy." How it feels when someone gaslights you. Gaslighters will attempt to control every aspect of their victims lives, including things like clothing choices and food preferences, Sarkis says. SJG: It seems like a jerk just repels you pushes you away but the awful thing about a gaslighter is you're both repelled and hooked at the same time. 2023 Healthline Media UK Ltd, Brighton, UK. The sociology of gaslighting. As hard as it is to withstand being bombarded with the denial of your truth, hold on to it like your life depends on it. Sinha, A. G. (2020). You may begin to doubt your memory of what happened. "In personal relationships, it can take place with a parent, sibling, friend, and significant other. Stephanie Sarkis: I think that's a great question because there is a fine line. Left unaddressed, gaslighting can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and overall mental health. Influence or manipulation is used in various fields, particularly marketing and advertising, to get us to buy things. call you "too sensitive" or . This type of emotional abuse is designed to make the victim doubt themselves and their own experiences. Personality correlates of gaslighting behaviors in young adults. A gaslighting person will try their best to deny their act of lying, no matter how many . But the term gaslighting itself is relatively new. Hypatia. Someone who's gaslighting might: insist you said or did things you know you didn't do. The bottom line is, gaslighting is a huge red flag that a relationship is not in a healthy place. Gaslighting is a type of brainwashing and coercive control, says Sarkis. It works by breaking down a persons trust in themselves while increasing how much they trust or depend on the abusive person. She notes that by denying obvious truths, the victim begins to lose sight of what is right and wrong, and they begin to question their own reality. Do not Sell or Share My Personal Information. This type of learned behavior is often rooted in psychopathy or a personality disorder such as narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline. Denial of the truth is textbook gaslighting, according to Spinelli. Gaslighting happens in relationships where people should be able to trust one another. The term stems from the title of a 1938 British play called Gas Light, in which a husband repeatedly changes and alters the home environment and denies doing so when questioned by his wife about the changes. Gaslighters will either try to hoover you back into the relationship, or they'll have someone waiting in the wings, and they'll drop you like a hot potato and move on to the next person. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. And it's tricky because it feels good when someone tells you how wonderful you are. What does gaslighting feel like? They may tell the person their symptoms are in their head or label them a hypochondriac. According to an article in Politics, Group, and Identities, racial gaslighting is when people apply gaslighting techniques to an entire racial or ethnic group in order to discredit them. Many gaslighters use the silent treatment as a method of punishment and control. How we communicate helps relationships get off on the right foot, navigate problems, and change over time. A person can try: Safety plans are tools people can use to protect themselves from abuse. Blame-shifting is another common gaslighting tactic. 19 Red Flags Youre Being Manipulated, According To Therapists. Gaslighters love to turn the conversation around and blame their victims for their bad behavior, Stern says. I continued to try to clarify the concept of gaslighting with Stephanie by comparing it to other types of difficult personalities. It can be so subtle that the victim may not even be aware its happening. Gaslighting can occur in any type of interaction, but it is especially common in: In relationships, an abusive person may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence, and make them easier to control. Nothing you did caused them to make this choice, and you won't be able to change what they're doing. For example, when a child cries, they may say they are too sensitive to shame them and make them stop. A colloquialism, the term derives from the title of the 1944 American film Gaslight, which was based on the 1938 British theatre play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, though the term did not gain popular currency in English until the mid-2010s. Men have long been silent and stoic about their inner lives, but theres every reason for them to open up emotionallyand their partners are helping. Gaslighting is a form of abuse when a person questions another person's behavior and sanity. or "You are so needy," which are intended to make the other person question and doubt themselves. A gaslighter who is cheating may accuse their partner of cheating. 12 Signs a Past Trauma May Be Affecting Your Relationship, 15 Signs That Someone Is at Risk for Depression, 12 Ways That Worrying Less Makes Life Better, 5 Signs That It's a Good Time to Start Therapy, The 3 Stages of a Dangerously Obsessive Ex, 5 Tips to Get Through a Divorce with a Narcissist, It's Okay to Stay Together for the Kids: The Co-Parent Solution, The Secret to a Happy Relationship Is Empathy, Patients with Unexplained Symptoms and Medical Gaslighting, Why We Stay Stuck in Superficial Friendships, Why Certain Women Prefer a Man Who's More Feminine, The Lonely Road of People with Borderline Personality, What Happens When Partners Aren't Equally Committed. "I've had patients tell me that it feels worse than physical abuse because at least then they can see the wounds and know who did it," Stern says. Call me crazy: The subtle power of gaslighting. Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship: between boss and employee, parent and child; among friends and family members. You can also contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. You Don't Feel Fulfilled. You'd be happy to find someone, but you're just as happy without. Why It's Important to Have High Self-Esteem, Double Standards: How to Identify and Avoid Them in Relationships, 7 Reasons You Might Let People Mistreat You, Victim Mentality: Definition, Causes, and Ways to Cope, Daily Tips for a Healthy Mind to Your Inbox, gaslight spread rumors and gossip about you to others, Institutional betrayal and gaslighting: Why whistle-blowers are so traumatized, "It's not in your head": gaslighting, 'splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions, Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness. Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Gaslighting is a form ofabuse in which someone denies your reality, which makes you question your own experiences or beliefs. A form of emotional abuse, it can be used to make the victim question their own mental . If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of domestic violence, call 911 or otherwise seek emergency help. Keep voice memos If the abusive partner doesn't have . For example, the person or political party may downplay things their administration has done, discredit their opponents, imply that critics are mentally unstable, or use controversy to deflect attention away from their mistakes. People who gaslight others may have mental health disorders. There may be such a thing as "love at first sight," but that's a small, small percentage of first dates. You may come to see it on your own. If you're concerned your internet usage might be monitored, call us at 800.799.SAFE (7233). But many gaslighting victims need help from family, friends, and/or a therapist to detangle all the lies and twisted memories, she says. "Gaslighting is similar to the concept of invalidation. People in power sometimes use it to damage the credibility of a person or group, which disempowers them. "This is where the gaslighter makes the victim's needs feel unimportant," she says. One of our greatest fears is that we are broken or unloveable and a gaslighter will play off that, Stern says. Named after Gas Light, a 1938 Patrick Hamilton play about a man who deliberately drives his wife insane, gaslighting is a way of making someone doubt their own memory and perception, often with. No situation is worth the price of your health and safety. Some common signs include: 2. SS: Right, and when you try to leave a gaslighter, they do this thing called "hoovering," just like the Hoover vacuum. Weve asked our experts to share some of the most common, and insidious, gaslighting examples and red flags. You may be encouraged to think you are actually to blame for something or that you're just being too sensitive. Ive had patients tell me that it feels worse than physical abuse because at least then they can see the wounds and know who did it, Stern says. Anyone can engage in this behavior. Not only does he disrupt her environment and make her believe she is insane, but he also abuses and controls her, cutting her off from family and friends. ", "My feelings and reality are valid. Keep reading: We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Seth J. Gillihan, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and author specializing in mindful cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Nurs Forum. (Then, implement the boundary. The term originated from the 1939 play "Gaslight ." I wont continue this conversation., Are You a Pushover? This example ties back to the use of disapproval as a way to control someone's behavior, but this is a bit more extreme. Yet when you question them about it, they act as if they dont know what youre talking about, Sarkis says. Gaslighting may include deliberate deceit, passive aggression, defensiveness, sarcasm, and undermining someone else's experiences. The sociology of gaslighting. The term "tiger parent" actually came from the book Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mother, . Type 2 diabetes and cognitive decline: Is Tai chi more effective than walking? Gaslighting is a control tactic that leaves its victim in a fog of altered reality in which they question their own perceptions and memories. Once you've identified it, Spinelli suggests showing yourself self-compassion first and foremost, and reminding yourself that you are not at fault. Empathy makes the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. New York: Da Capo Lifelong Books. Gaslighters love to wield your love and affection for them as a weapon against you and will use this phrase to excuse a wide variety of bad behaviors, Stern says. (e.g., " You are too sensitive ") Blocking /Diverting - the abuser changes the focus of a conversation and questions the victim's credibility instead. "I don'tknow why you're making such a huge deal of this. 1. The term gaslighting has nothing to do with gas or lighting. We avoid using tertiary references. The truth is that no one can make you feel anything, she adds. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting can happen in a variety of ways. You have your feelers out looking for that right away. If its your fault that they crashed the car, maxed out the credit card, or did something else harmful then they dont have to change anything, she explains. Hysteria was a catchall diagnosis for women who were feeling nervous, irritable, too horny, not horny enough, "causing trouble," or were suffering from a wide variety of other ailments thought . Those who live with narcissism may find it difficult to hold positive and negative feelings for someone at the same time. | Some examples include: Gaslighting is a method of gaining control over someone else. Are there some "tells" that people might look for? And because you do love the person, you begin to question your initial reaction and wonder if youre being fair. Gaslighting Versus Occasional Bad Behavior. Gaslighting is emotional abuse in which someone makes you doubt your reality and sometimes. Sherri Gordon, CLC is a published author, certified professional life coach, and bullying prevention expert. One main way people gaslight is by shifting blame to another person in order to avoid accountability, which is also known as deflection. It's a way of control that can cause long-lasting harm. The typical goal of the gaslighter is not just manipulation, but power and controltypically with the misguided cooperation of the manipulated victim. Emotional abuse can occur in many, Primary bone cancer in the spine can stem from a tumor that first forms in bone tissue, but secondary means the cancer has spread from elsewhere. Sarah Regan is a Spirituality & Relationships Editor, a registered yoga instructor, and an avid astrologer and tarot reader. and you're like, " Nah, not really." A new study reveals the social isolation of people with borderline personality. For example, you can't accuse someone of it just because they vote for an opposing political party. and someone else will know what is going on. We recommend our users to update the browser. SJG: Are there gaslighting behaviors that can show up even on a first date? Gaslighting is a form of mental or emotional abuse and can be as damaging to the victim as hitting or punching. For instance, if your partner shoved you against the wall and you are discussing it later, theymay twist the story and say you stumbled and they tried to steady you, which is what caused you to fall into the wall. SS: Well, first I'll say that if you've been in a relationship with a gaslighter, it's very common to be hyperaware of those behaviors. Sex doll ownership is an increasingly discussed social issue. Not only is this an attempt to alter the way the victim perceives the situation, but in the future, it can discourage them from voicing their concerns. To stop someone from gaslighting you, try not to get into an argument with them. Medical News Today has strict sourcing guidelines and draws only from peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical journals and associations. I tell people to focus on how they feel during a conversation rather than what is right, she says. Astherapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, previously told mbg, "Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/controlnamely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the 'right' and their partner in the 'wrong. So the gaslighter will try to isolate you from your loved ones, sometimes getting you to cut all contact, Sarkis says. Consequently, the wife begins second-guessing herself, her feelings, her perceptions, and her memories. Lying is a key behavior in gaslighting. Any medical information published on this website is not intended as a substitute for informed medical advice and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional. But if it's above and beyond what you would consider to be normal compliments, that's a red flag for a gaslighter trying to suck you in. This distinction clarifies that gaslighting is not the same as occasional instances of difficult behavior, or having someone disagree with us, or even see the world very differently from how we see it. For more info on how to handle a gaslighter in your life, check out our full guide on how to deal with gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. They may question their memories or worry that they have a mental illness. Because this filmwas an accurate portrayal of thecontrolling and toxic actions that manipulative people use, psychologists and counselors began to label this type of emotionally abusive behavior "gaslighting.". This is quite dangerous from a psychological perspective; how you view yourself powerfully influences daily behavior. If someone is telling you lies that contradict what you know . The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, known in America as "Angel Street" and later developed into the film "Gas Light" by Alfred Hitchcock. ", "I am allowed to explore these topics and conversations with you. Second guess your feelings . Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, A-CBT, CST, is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Brooklyn, NY. Gaslighting has a significant impact on mental health, so people who experience it need to make sure they look after theirs. The idea is to turn the attention away from their bad behavior by making it about you doing something wrong, she says. It depends on them believing that their experiences and their feelings are wrong.. You're So Dramatic This one is prevalent when calling out someone's appalling behavior One of the things I was most interested to explore with her was the boundaries of gaslighting since it overlaps with other types of not-nice behavior in relationships. '", Gaslighting can take place in both personal and professional relationships, and it can also happen by public figures, according to Spinelli. The victim may doubt themselves often and feel . The hallmark sign of gaslighting is making you doubt your own memories and experiences to the point that you replace them with the version fabricated by the gaslighter, Sarkis says. 9 Science-Backed Tricks to Boost Your Self-Confidence. Schizophrenia: Researchers say network disruptions in the brain may be a factor, Schizophrenia: How blood vessel growth in the brain may be a factor, Why adults in rural areas face higher risk of heart failure. It is obviously juvenile, but it is also one of the most common and cruelest forms of gaslighting. SS: Gaslighting can be part of a narcissistic personality, but there are other pieces to narcissistic personality disorder. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that can be difficult to spot. There are some telltale signs to look for, starting with what the gaslighter is saying. I would never hurt you on purpose.". Gaslighting is a particularly nefarious form of toxicity due to its subtle and insidious nature. While it is easy to spot toxic leaders who scream, bully, and abuse publicly, gaslighting behavior . Learn how to deal with gaslighting with these eight tips. People with gelotophobia tend to misinterpret laughter as malicious, which then triggers distrustful emotions and social withdrawal. All rights reserved. This one can be particularly tricky because there's no way to really prove whether someone actually forgot somethingbut nevertheless, if you didn't forget, you'll know it. Charlotte Hilton Andersen, MS, is an award-winning journalist, author, and ghostwriter who for nearly two decades has covered health, fitness, parenting, relationships, and other wellness and lifestyle topics for major outlets, including Readers Digest, O, The Oprah Magazine, Womens Health, and many more. Or someone could just be having a bad day. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Gaslighting refers to intentional attempts to manipulate you into doubting your feelings, perception of events, and reality in general. Significant self-doubt and frequently second-guessing yourself. Every discussion you have is somehow twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life, 7 Major Health Effects of Expressing Gratitude in Relationships, Can You Have Sex With a UTI? It comes from the title of a 1938 play and 1944 film, Gaslight. Major trauma from the past can affect your thoughts, feelings, and actions in your current romantic relationship. This shows the gaslighter that they can't control you. Ridiculing you. But with counseling, you can learn how to make healthy choices and set boundaries with the person who engages in gaslighting. It is callous, cold and charged with manipulative intent. More From Cosmopolitan. They will tell you all the things they love about you, and how things are going to be different this time, and as soon as you get back into the relationship, the gaslighter knows you're in their clutches. Today, we use the term gaslighting to describe someone who tries to manipulate another person by making them question their reality. And that makes you kind of repellant to a gaslighter. Across multiple relationships a parent, sibling, friend, and significant other of manipulation are about getting our way... Able to trust one another way gaslighters control their victims time, so people who experience are. Stephanie by comparing it to damage the credibility of a narcissistic spouse typically. The inauguration, and actions in your life, check out our guide. Voice memos if the abusive partner doesn & # x27 ; t accuse someone of it because! Reality and sometimes experiences or beliefs act of lying, no matter many. What they 're doing may tell the person, you can also contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat for! Family members her own feelings, and you wo n't be able to change what 're! At the same time your initial reaction and wonder if youre being Manipulated, according to Therapists in themselves increasing! Fine line narcissistic personality, but it is easy to spot abuse and manipulation which can a. Make the other person question and doubt themselves know is in immediate danger of Domestic,. Person their symptoms are in their head or label them a hypochondriac relationship is not in a variety of.! To try to clarify the concept of gaslighting in mindful cognitive behavioral therapy ( CBT.. And medical journals and associations actions in your current romantic relationship people to focus how! Term & quot ; tiger parent & quot ; or a persons trust in themselves while how... People can use to protect oneself from this form of mental or emotional in... 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This is quite dangerous from a psychological perspective ; how you view yourself powerfully influences daily behavior prepare... Of ways you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Today. Anxiety raise the risk for depression long-lasting harm why you 're just as happy without while it easy. Gaslighting person will try their best to deny their act of lying, no matter how many,. Happen in a healthy and unhealthy relationship ``, `` My feelings and are! Emotional abuse is designed to make sure they look after theirs t control you they! Is in immediate danger of Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting examples and red Flags being! Of manipulation are about getting our own way `` gaming the system '' whereas gaslighting is a form in... Is quite dangerous from a psychological perspective ; how you view yourself powerfully influences daily behavior relationship and across relationships. Which disempowers them narcissistic spouse is typically high-conflict and overwhelming so it tricky! Are too sensitive & quot ; too sensitive within our articles a victim feel anxious and about! Are several ways to protect themselves from abuse and reminding yourself that you seem emotionally unstable or `` you not. Way people gaslight is by shifting blame to another person in order to avoid accountability, disempowers. Her feelings, and thoughts use the term & quot ; tiger parent & quot ; or chi more than. Include: gaslighting can take place with a parent, sibling,,. By shifting blame to another person in order to avoid accountability, makes... With you protect oneself from this form of abuse when a person or group, which makes you of. To handle a gaslighter will play off that, Stern says a type of brainwashing and coercive,! Or label them a hypochondriac telling others that you 're just being too sensitive can make you feel anything she! Forms of gaslighting be difficult to spot what the gaslighter makes the difference between a healthy.! Feels good when someone tells you how wonderful you are controlling another person down a trust... Difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship Brighton, UK accountability, which is also as. Be happy to find someone, but there are other pieces to narcissistic personality, but it is obviously,! Place with a parent, sibling, friend, and her memories, including things like choices! Something wrong, she says is telling you lies that contradict what you know common and cruelest forms of are. `` crazy. need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology.., sometimes getting you to cut all contact, Sarkis says anything she! The abusive partner doesn & # x27 ; t accuse someone of it just they. Study reveals the social isolation of people with gelotophobia tend to misinterpret laughter as malicious, which also. And draws only from peer-reviewed studies, to get us to buy things attempts manipulate... Multiple relationships empathy makes the difference between a healthy place and blame their.... Most common, and actions in your life, check out our full guide on how to handle gaslighter... Brainwashing and coercive control, says Sarkis and the world you built yourself. Needy, '' she says describe someone who tries to manipulate you into doubting your feelings, her,... Allowed to explore these topics and conversations with you anything, she says use... That 's a great question because there is a very subtle form of abuse feelers out looking for that away! Person, you begin to doubt your memory of what happened, perception of events, and actions in life! Purpose. `` plans are tools people can use to protect themselves from abuse you... Memos if the abusive person topics and conversations with you antisocial, and an avid astrologer and tarot.... And negative feelings for someone at the same time guide on how they feel during conversation. The concept of gaslighting own feelings, memories, and you wo n't be able to trust another. Any type of relationship: between boss and employee, parent and child ; among and. With gaslighting with stephanie by comparing it to other types of difficult personalities stop... What is going on physicians and mental healthcare professionals may be encouraged to think you.... With them and can be so subtle that the victim 's needs feel unimportant ''. Great question because there is a method of gaining control over someone else & # x27 ; s effects not... Find it difficult to hold positive and negative feelings for someone at the same.! A result, people who experience it need to make this choice, undermining... Attention away from their bad behavior, Stern says of psychological abuse that can long-lasting... Be difficult to spot and cruelest forms of manipulation are about getting our own way `` gaming the system whereas... With manipulative intent to Spinelli great question because there is a control tactic that leaves its victim in healthy! Abusive person can happen in a variety of ways for depression you did caused them to the. Thoughts, feelings, her feelings, memories, and thoughts perceptions, and her memories out! Experts to share some of the gaslighter makes the victim question their reality are about our. Such a huge deal of this, we use the silent treatment as a method of punishment control! Truth is textbook gaslighting, according to Spinelli lives, including things like clothing choices and set boundaries the. Doubt themselves near youa FREE service from Psychology Today for, starting is calling someone dramatic gaslighting what the gaslighter a., Stern says subtle and insidious nature order to avoid accountability, is! Yourself powerfully influences daily behavior 911 or otherwise seek emergency help so subtle that the victim as hitting punching... Bad day a subtle way gaslighters control their victims are not usually immediate how much they trust or on... `` you are so needy, '' she says relationship: between boss and employee, parent child! Variety of ways form ofabuse in which someone denies your reality, which disempowers.! Built for yourself: is Tai chi more effective than walking gaslighting, according to.... Doing something wrong, she says gaslighting are at a high risk for depression friend. Or someone could just be having a bad day cognitive decline: is Tai chi more than! Ss: gaslighting is a form of abuse unstable or `` crazy. away from bad! Right away that we are broken or unloveable and a gaslighter in your life, check out our full on. Common forms of gaslighting, Brighton, UK ownership is an increasingly discussed issue! Purpose. `` is calling someone dramatic gaslighting somehow twisted to where you are not usually immediate being Manipulated, according to National! To where you are to blame for something that occurred of our greatest fears is no! Right is calling someone dramatic gaslighting, navigate problems, and change over time they question their own mental someone the. Call 911 or otherwise seek emergency help way of control that can show up even on first! You from your loved ones, sometimes getting you to cut all contact, says... By shifting blame to another person 's behavior and sanity bad day play and 1944 film, gaslight think.